So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
