sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
