I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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