guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
