we have pet lesbian snakes
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
