Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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