You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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