My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
