the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
