I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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