It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
