I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Text me some of your sweat
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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