I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
