dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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