I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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