i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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