Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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