Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
