Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize