NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
