Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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