I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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