That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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