well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
