Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
