Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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