You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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