puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
