i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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