ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
