It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
