No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
