My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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