I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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