I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
