go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
