Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
