There was a lot of him and a little penis
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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