whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
