So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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