He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
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