i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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