I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize