you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
