Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
