i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sext me about skeletons
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
