I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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