Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
