I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
