Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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