There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she told me i tasted like america
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
