New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
