No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize