i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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